Really Random Thoughts

I don't know what to write today, but I wanted to see something because this blog is now in its second month. Let me write about something that is tangentially related to my mental health, which I think I write about too much anyway. I'll write about my love life!

Currently, I am a single man with no children and has never been married. In fact, I've only had one real girlfriend. Her name was Shannon, and we met in junior high in North Las Vegas around 1985. The last thing remotely resembling a romantic relationship was when I met this woman named Mettia at work. She was actually impressed with my knowledge of high energy physics and invited me to dinner if I would tutor her in calculus.

She did say she was in a long distance relationship, so that kept our "relationship" from being a real relationship. I was just a friend to Mettia. Still, as I sat across from her at the first restaurant we patronized, I thought to myself, "God bless her for just being with me right now."

After I left graduate school at UCSD, I thought I would never go out with another woman again, even as a friend. Where was I going to meet women in Vegas with my situation (unemployed, disabled, and living with my parents)? I thought women and me were history. Then along came Mettia. The short end of the story was I told her to leave me alone because I grew tired of her constant criticism. Still, one of my friends says that women will always drive men crazy, so I shouldn't have cut off my only woman companion.

As a man in my late 30s, I find it difficult to meet women at all, so when one like her shows up, I should treat her like the last woman on Earth. Love? I was in love once. Her name was Heather and she liked to read books. We were both members of the University of California Marching Band (really the University of California at Berkeley). I couldn't stop thinking of her, and I wanted to be with her all the time.

Of course, she didn't feel the same way about me. She was in a long distance relationship from her high school days, and she absolutely refused to date anyone else. I did manage to go to San Francisco with her during one winter break. Of course, she just considered me a good friend. Still, I was bad to her at times because I knew I didn't have a chance with Miss Heather (now Mrs. Heather, unfortunately for me). Eventually, we both graduated from Berkeley and she married her long distance boyfriend.

I did some reflection, and I named all the girls or women I ever had a crush on or felt genuine love for, and the number is about 35-40. They are a diverse group, and I can't really find anything they had in common other than leaving a mark on my heart. I think the worst failed relationship I had was with a woman named Jeannette. She was absolutely beautiful and liked science too.

I had lunch with her one time, but when the UCSD Catholic society had a formal, I saw her dancing with another man. I knew that Jeannette wasn't seeing anyone at the time. She had made it known that she had broken up with her last boyfriend and didn't have one when I knew her. Even as I watched them dance, I could feel that this man was stealing her from right under me. Just recently, I stumbled onto Jeannette's wedding video on You Tube. That hurt to watch that, to see how happy she was without me, but worse how happy she was with that guy she danced with at the formal, the one she's married to now.

I sometimes wonder if I had normal romantic relationships if that would have helped with my mental health. Did my lack of a girlfriend all these years spark those crazy hallucinations, delusions, etc. I just know if I'm patient enough, another woman will cross my path and put a mark again on my heart.