My Unusual Problem

As a man on disability, I have a problem you might wish you had. I have too much free time on my hands. Since I have a problem with anxiety, though, this is bad news. I have too much time to think about things that make me unhappy.

I wake up thinking, "What am I going to do with this day?" This is one reason I blog. A psychiatrist once told me to keep my mind occupied. If I don't keep my mind occupied, terrible thoughts of pestilence and plague fill my mind. I start to think of all the terrible things that could happen to me, which usually don't in reality.

I like sometimes to do mathematical proofs from math textbooks at the college junior and senior level. It's like doing crossword puzzles. I have to concentrate so much that I don't worry about things. Doing mathematical proofs chases the anxiety away.

However, the anxiety comes back as soon as I stop doing my mathematical proofs. That is why I need constant activity during the day, and I often find myself trying to look for things to do that will keep my mind occupied.

Lately, I discovered gardening with my mother. She is an expert at gardening. She knows when to fertilize the plants, how much to water, what kinds of soil to use, etc. I find the act of shoveling soil in itself drives away the anxiety. Since my mother knows gardening very well, I just have to follow her lead and not have to learn how to garden on my own.

I also like to read science textbooks, namely astrophysics, biology, chemistry, Earth science, and physics. I do the exercises in the books whether they are self-tests or calculations. This has the same effect as doing mathematical proofs.

I watch a lot of television and sometimes take naps, anything that will drive away the anxiety monster. You might be thinking, "Why don't you just get a job?" Well, I'm working on that one. I'm pursuing a profession that will allow me to work on a full-time basis and get me off the disability system. This project will take a long time get going.

The real disadvantage of living on disability is how unstructured my day is. I do make a schedule for myself, but I rarely stick to it. I had so many plans for today, but I ended up sleeping for most of it. The unstructured nature of my day often makes me not accomplish anything.

Still, one thing I have you working stiffs don't have is FREEDOM. I can do anything I want to do every day. Television? I just click the remote control. Go to the movies? I just hop in my car and go to the theater. Feel like getting a pizza? I just call Pizza Hut or walk to the Italian restaurant around the corner.

Though, my way of life doesn't work well when I meet people in the real world. I have difficulty answering the common question, "What do you do for a living?" Remember, mental illness is a disability you're not supposed to have, and most people have no sympathy for me when I say I'm on disability. They think I can just wish it away or turn it off like a light bulb.

That's all for my random thoughts for now.