I was just thinking today that you never work in ideal conditions. If you did, then you'd probably not think much of your situation. For as long as I can remember, life has never been ideal. There was always some imperfection. Consider my current situation.
I'm going to try to go to medical school to become a medical scientist. Ideally, I would have taken all the prerequisites when I was a college student. Instead, I majored in physics, which didn't require most of those prerequisites, namely general chemistry, organic chemistry, and biology. I did cover the math and physics requirements for entrance to medical school. Still, this is far from ideal.
I now have to somehow get the money to pay for my premedical coursework at the University of Nevada Las Vegas, another non-ideal situation. I'd probably use my disability checks plus any funds I can get from my family. Further, it's hard to get a parking space at UNLV and the bus to the campus is usually full. My point is it's the same old story.
All of us have to work in conditions we wish were different. In college, I never had enough time to study. "If only I had studied eight more hours a day, I could have earned an A," I'd moan every semester in college. Dorm rooms didn't have enough privacy, or my apartment was too far from campus. If only my class were not so difficult, and so on. Life never is ideal.
When I worked as a software engineer, I lived far from my work. I had to commute an hour each way. If only I lived closer to work, but those places were more expensive than my cheap place farther away from the office. There is nothing new about what I'm saying. Most of you probably already realize that.
So as far as medical school goes, I'm going to have to prepare for it on the proverbial shoestring budget, living far from the campus, and facing who knows what imperfections. That's just life, I'm starting to realize.
Saturday, June 14, 2008
Thursday, June 12, 2008
The Hardest Decision to Make
I'm not going to document my particular experience with mental illness anymore. That would take a long time to do, since I've been suffering from this condition for almost two decades. Rather, I'm going to talk about new developments.
During the last two days, I made a gut wrenching decision. I decided to pursue a career as a physician. I hope to be a research psychiatrist or neuroscientist. I plan to earn an M.D./Ph.D. I did not mention that I was applying for a teacher licensing program here in Las Vegas because I feared the school district could possibly find out through this blog that I suffer from bipolar disorder.
For several months, I applied for the teacher licensure program, including studying for a standardized general science test. I told all my friends and family about the teaching program. They were excited because finally I'd be getting a job (actually not until January 2009). With the teacher shortage in Vegas, I was almost guaranteed a job.
Yet, I felt that people around me were pressuring me to go into teaching because I can get a job relatively quickly. I call them the "JOB NOW! Crowd". The Job Now Crowd pressures me to pick a job, any job, and start making money ASAP. They don't take into consideration my passion for scientific research.
It kills me when I watch a story about NASA or a medical breakthrough on the news. I used to do scientific research, and there is no reason I can't do it again. So a few days ago, I decided to pursue an M.D./Ph.D. in neuroscience and/or research psychiatry. I don't care how long it takes me. I have to try and see how far I get.
The complications arose when the school district was supposed to announce its decisions about acceptance or rejection from the licensing program last Monday (June 9). I debated whether I should just reject the school district. Finally today, I mailed a letter requesting that the school district withdraw my application for the teaching license program. Today I also received my acceptance letter from the school district.
I was hoping that the school district would reject me so I'd have the perfect excuse to go into a premedical program. That way the JOB NOW! Crowd couldn't criticize me for changing my mind (this was the 3rd time for me through the teaching program). Unfortunately, I will have to face them eventually and tell them it's my life.
I don't want to be a teacher really but I felt pressure to find a job fast, any job. I had been thinking of a career in research medicine for years, and I thought I need to take the chance now while I'm still young enough to start a medical program.
I face a number of issues. What am I going to tell the JOB NOW! Crowd? Eventually they will ask if I got in the program. Secondly, people wrote references for me and went to a lot of trouble to complete them. Yet there are other issues to consider.
At the University of Nevada Las Vegas (UNLV), I am a non-degree graduate student. I can take any class as long as I pay for it. On Social Security disability, I don't have much money to pay for classes and other school expenses. So I could just take the bare minimum prerequisites for medical school and be done in 2-3 years. I could be in medical school as early as 2011.
Still, another option exists. I could apply for a second bachelor's degree and be eligible for student loans. I'd probably major in psychology since I'm going to go for a career in neuroscience or research psychiatry. The problem with that is I'd be borrowing a lot of money and possibly be taking a lot longer to go to med school (4 years). I could just declare myself a second bachelor's student and then leave once I have the prerequisites for the medical school admission.
I'm going to talk to a premedical advisor next week at UNLV and explain the whole situation. Still things are much better than they used to be. I feel alive again that I'm working on something I really believe in.
During the last two days, I made a gut wrenching decision. I decided to pursue a career as a physician. I hope to be a research psychiatrist or neuroscientist. I plan to earn an M.D./Ph.D. I did not mention that I was applying for a teacher licensing program here in Las Vegas because I feared the school district could possibly find out through this blog that I suffer from bipolar disorder.
For several months, I applied for the teacher licensure program, including studying for a standardized general science test. I told all my friends and family about the teaching program. They were excited because finally I'd be getting a job (actually not until January 2009). With the teacher shortage in Vegas, I was almost guaranteed a job.
Yet, I felt that people around me were pressuring me to go into teaching because I can get a job relatively quickly. I call them the "JOB NOW! Crowd". The Job Now Crowd pressures me to pick a job, any job, and start making money ASAP. They don't take into consideration my passion for scientific research.
It kills me when I watch a story about NASA or a medical breakthrough on the news. I used to do scientific research, and there is no reason I can't do it again. So a few days ago, I decided to pursue an M.D./Ph.D. in neuroscience and/or research psychiatry. I don't care how long it takes me. I have to try and see how far I get.
The complications arose when the school district was supposed to announce its decisions about acceptance or rejection from the licensing program last Monday (June 9). I debated whether I should just reject the school district. Finally today, I mailed a letter requesting that the school district withdraw my application for the teaching license program. Today I also received my acceptance letter from the school district.
I was hoping that the school district would reject me so I'd have the perfect excuse to go into a premedical program. That way the JOB NOW! Crowd couldn't criticize me for changing my mind (this was the 3rd time for me through the teaching program). Unfortunately, I will have to face them eventually and tell them it's my life.
I don't want to be a teacher really but I felt pressure to find a job fast, any job. I had been thinking of a career in research medicine for years, and I thought I need to take the chance now while I'm still young enough to start a medical program.
I face a number of issues. What am I going to tell the JOB NOW! Crowd? Eventually they will ask if I got in the program. Secondly, people wrote references for me and went to a lot of trouble to complete them. Yet there are other issues to consider.
At the University of Nevada Las Vegas (UNLV), I am a non-degree graduate student. I can take any class as long as I pay for it. On Social Security disability, I don't have much money to pay for classes and other school expenses. So I could just take the bare minimum prerequisites for medical school and be done in 2-3 years. I could be in medical school as early as 2011.
Still, another option exists. I could apply for a second bachelor's degree and be eligible for student loans. I'd probably major in psychology since I'm going to go for a career in neuroscience or research psychiatry. The problem with that is I'd be borrowing a lot of money and possibly be taking a lot longer to go to med school (4 years). I could just declare myself a second bachelor's student and then leave once I have the prerequisites for the medical school admission.
I'm going to talk to a premedical advisor next week at UNLV and explain the whole situation. Still things are much better than they used to be. I feel alive again that I'm working on something I really believe in.
Friday, June 6, 2008
How It All Began
I've decided to document my experience with mental illness. To protect the innocent, I will change names or use first or last name only. So, I will start from the beginning when I first realized that I am different from the average person. I knew immediately I was different somehow in summer of 1993. Three people, including myself, had experienced deaths in their families within the time frame of about two or three days.
My godfather, Uncle Fred, passed away from cancer in San Diego, California while I was working at the Triangle Universities Nuclear Laboratory at Duke University in North Carolina. The fact that two of my friends had experienced similar losses at the same time made me think that my death was next.
It had been a tumultuous summer; Harvard University admitted me to study for a Ph.D. in physics the very day I arrived at Duke University to start my graduate studies there. My decision to leave Duke for Harvard created a scandal in Duke's Department of Physics. When my uncle died, I decided to spend the rest of the summer of 1993 in San Diego with my family. That way I could attend his funeral and my cousin's wedding later in September 1993.
On my way home from the nuclear laboratory on my last day of work, I thought I was next to die. I said, "God, am I next to die? Please don't take me now. I have so much to live for."
"No, you are not next to die," said a voice in my mind. "In fact, I have been protecting you ever since you were in Berkeley. I have a purpose for you."
The voice has never claimed to be God. The voice only answered after I called upon the Lord. Yet, so far, ever since the voice spoke to me, my life has deteriorated. Whether or not this voice belonged to God is still an open question. One thing is for sure; nobody else believed the voice belonged to God, and certainly no psychiatrist nor psychologist ever believed any of the voices I heard over the years belongs to God. Most priests, too, are skeptical.
Let's examine the record. Because of this voice and other voices like it, my career is in ruins, I attempted to commit suicide, and generally I am miserable all the time. A Catholic priest ruled out the supernatural. His logic was simple. My diagnosis of mental illness happened the same time as my supposedly supernatural experiences. Therefore, mental illness was entirely responsible for all of my experiences.
I personally am not convinced everything resulted from mental illness, but I'll humor everyone and just assume for now that everything is just mental illness. I certainly suffer the consequences of mental illness regardless of whether or not I experienced the supernatural.
My godfather, Uncle Fred, passed away from cancer in San Diego, California while I was working at the Triangle Universities Nuclear Laboratory at Duke University in North Carolina. The fact that two of my friends had experienced similar losses at the same time made me think that my death was next.
It had been a tumultuous summer; Harvard University admitted me to study for a Ph.D. in physics the very day I arrived at Duke University to start my graduate studies there. My decision to leave Duke for Harvard created a scandal in Duke's Department of Physics. When my uncle died, I decided to spend the rest of the summer of 1993 in San Diego with my family. That way I could attend his funeral and my cousin's wedding later in September 1993.
On my way home from the nuclear laboratory on my last day of work, I thought I was next to die. I said, "God, am I next to die? Please don't take me now. I have so much to live for."
"No, you are not next to die," said a voice in my mind. "In fact, I have been protecting you ever since you were in Berkeley. I have a purpose for you."
The voice has never claimed to be God. The voice only answered after I called upon the Lord. Yet, so far, ever since the voice spoke to me, my life has deteriorated. Whether or not this voice belonged to God is still an open question. One thing is for sure; nobody else believed the voice belonged to God, and certainly no psychiatrist nor psychologist ever believed any of the voices I heard over the years belongs to God. Most priests, too, are skeptical.
Let's examine the record. Because of this voice and other voices like it, my career is in ruins, I attempted to commit suicide, and generally I am miserable all the time. A Catholic priest ruled out the supernatural. His logic was simple. My diagnosis of mental illness happened the same time as my supposedly supernatural experiences. Therefore, mental illness was entirely responsible for all of my experiences.
I personally am not convinced everything resulted from mental illness, but I'll humor everyone and just assume for now that everything is just mental illness. I certainly suffer the consequences of mental illness regardless of whether or not I experienced the supernatural.
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