The Hardest Decision to Make

I'm not going to document my particular experience with mental illness anymore. That would take a long time to do, since I've been suffering from this condition for almost two decades. Rather, I'm going to talk about new developments.

During the last two days, I made a gut wrenching decision. I decided to pursue a career as a physician. I hope to be a research psychiatrist or neuroscientist. I plan to earn an M.D./Ph.D. I did not mention that I was applying for a teacher licensing program here in Las Vegas because I feared the school district could possibly find out through this blog that I suffer from bipolar disorder.

For several months, I applied for the teacher licensure program, including studying for a standardized general science test. I told all my friends and family about the teaching program. They were excited because finally I'd be getting a job (actually not until January 2009). With the teacher shortage in Vegas, I was almost guaranteed a job.

Yet, I felt that people around me were pressuring me to go into teaching because I can get a job relatively quickly. I call them the "JOB NOW! Crowd". The Job Now Crowd pressures me to pick a job, any job, and start making money ASAP. They don't take into consideration my passion for scientific research.

It kills me when I watch a story about NASA or a medical breakthrough on the news. I used to do scientific research, and there is no reason I can't do it again. So a few days ago, I decided to pursue an M.D./Ph.D. in neuroscience and/or research psychiatry. I don't care how long it takes me. I have to try and see how far I get.

The complications arose when the school district was supposed to announce its decisions about acceptance or rejection from the licensing program last Monday (June 9). I debated whether I should just reject the school district. Finally today, I mailed a letter requesting that the school district withdraw my application for the teaching license program. Today I also received my acceptance letter from the school district.

I was hoping that the school district would reject me so I'd have the perfect excuse to go into a premedical program. That way the JOB NOW! Crowd couldn't criticize me for changing my mind (this was the 3rd time for me through the teaching program). Unfortunately, I will have to face them eventually and tell them it's my life.

I don't want to be a teacher really but I felt pressure to find a job fast, any job. I had been thinking of a career in research medicine for years, and I thought I need to take the chance now while I'm still young enough to start a medical program.

I face a number of issues. What am I going to tell the JOB NOW! Crowd? Eventually they will ask if I got in the program. Secondly, people wrote references for me and went to a lot of trouble to complete them. Yet there are other issues to consider.

At the University of Nevada Las Vegas (UNLV), I am a non-degree graduate student. I can take any class as long as I pay for it. On Social Security disability, I don't have much money to pay for classes and other school expenses. So I could just take the bare minimum prerequisites for medical school and be done in 2-3 years. I could be in medical school as early as 2011.

Still, another option exists. I could apply for a second bachelor's degree and be eligible for student loans. I'd probably major in psychology since I'm going to go for a career in neuroscience or research psychiatry. The problem with that is I'd be borrowing a lot of money and possibly be taking a lot longer to go to med school (4 years). I could just declare myself a second bachelor's student and then leave once I have the prerequisites for the medical school admission.

I'm going to talk to a premedical advisor next week at UNLV and explain the whole situation. Still things are much better than they used to be. I feel alive again that I'm working on something I really believe in.