How It All Began

I've decided to document my experience with mental illness. To protect the innocent, I will change names or use first or last name only. So, I will start from the beginning when I first realized that I am different from the average person. I knew immediately I was different somehow in summer of 1993. Three people, including myself, had experienced deaths in their families within the time frame of about two or three days.

My godfather, Uncle Fred, passed away from cancer in San Diego, California while I was working at the Triangle Universities Nuclear Laboratory at Duke University in North Carolina. The fact that two of my friends had experienced similar losses at the same time made me think that my death was next.

It had been a tumultuous summer; Harvard University admitted me to study for a Ph.D. in physics the very day I arrived at Duke University to start my graduate studies there. My decision to leave Duke for Harvard created a scandal in Duke's Department of Physics. When my uncle died, I decided to spend the rest of the summer of 1993 in San Diego with my family. That way I could attend his funeral and my cousin's wedding later in September 1993.

On my way home from the nuclear laboratory on my last day of work, I thought I was next to die. I said, "God, am I next to die? Please don't take me now. I have so much to live for."

"No, you are not next to die," said a voice in my mind. "In fact, I have been protecting you ever since you were in Berkeley. I have a purpose for you."

The voice has never claimed to be God. The voice only answered after I called upon the Lord. Yet, so far, ever since the voice spoke to me, my life has deteriorated. Whether or not this voice belonged to God is still an open question. One thing is for sure; nobody else believed the voice belonged to God, and certainly no psychiatrist nor psychologist ever believed any of the voices I heard over the years belongs to God. Most priests, too, are skeptical.

Let's examine the record. Because of this voice and other voices like it, my career is in ruins, I attempted to commit suicide, and generally I am miserable all the time. A Catholic priest ruled out the supernatural. His logic was simple. My diagnosis of mental illness happened the same time as my supposedly supernatural experiences. Therefore, mental illness was entirely responsible for all of my experiences.

I personally am not convinced everything resulted from mental illness, but I'll humor everyone and just assume for now that everything is just mental illness. I certainly suffer the consequences of mental illness regardless of whether or not I experienced the supernatural.